So much to learn...

Today was a harsh reality. A realization in which God is pruning something negative and dark from my heart.

I realized I have no concept of consequence.

Perfect.

Obviously I've had certain consequences in my life, both grand and mild. But I don't really understand it. Or think of what consequence my actions might create. Up until recently, I have been very much naive to it.

I am a 25 year old (yes, I am 25 for 2 more days), without the sense of consequence. I'm going to go out on a limb here and say this is not quite ideal. I guess one could link this to the deficiencies in my "instability" I talked about in my previous blog....dang it....

Practical consequence is pretty tangible and through experience and mistakes, I've begun to scratch the surface of what happens when I do or don't do something practical. Like paying bills, calling people back, meeting deadlines at work, etc. However, I'm not writing this blog to talk about practical things. Come on now, this is Stacy writing...when do I ever choose practical over emotionally charged?

So let's get down to the real consequence I want to address. The consequence of actions and words towards another person, particularly a person one loves a great deal. Particularly, when the actions or words deeply wound that person. This is actually the consequence I've never had to deal with because I never let people in enough to care. Now I have way too many people way too close for comfort. I can let someone down, lash out in fear or anger, and/or say many things I regret. All to which have significant consequence.

Why in the world would I want to hurt a person I love? Well...I absolutely don't. Unfortunately, I've spent years programming myself to push people away before they push me. I've built a system founded on a lie, and it was flawless for many years producing one single result...Stacy is not lovable. Therefore, anyone that attempted to love me could only get to a certain level before the system kicked in to beat the virus of love that was trying to infiltrate.

God was the first one to get a glimmer of light into the darkness and He has continued to break down this system and rebuild it since. But it hasn't been until the past few years that I was even capable of letting people love me. And for the first time I started to desire to truly love others with something other than my selfish and protected heart, and love them with an overflow of the Lord.

But I've learned VERY quickly that loving...well it produces CONSEQUENCE. It is flipping risky to love another person. And it's painful. People don't do everything right. They don't say the right things and they don't always care. They have unrealistic expectations and are often quite stubborn and selfish. What in the hec? It's hard to love someone well and there seems to be constant room for error and let down.

And then there is the risk of loving me. And this is a high risk. Reference back to my "instability" and my emotional tendencies and you've got yourself someone who has been told quite often that she is "difficult to love." Although I know that is a lie, I will be quite frank and say loving someone with the amplitude of emotions I have is a challenge, I know it is rewarding but not easy.

So here I am in a state of realizing love is risky. Love and loving have created quite the consequence on my heart. I realized that I hurt the people I love the most. And I hurt them when I have even the slightest fear that they are going to hurt me first.

This realization gave me another realization....I still love myself more than I love Jesus and therefore more than I love anyone else. Self-preservation. "Protect self above all else" is still holding the throne in my heart.

DAMN IT!

And when I hurt others, I am completely oblivious to the pain I am inflicting. Sometimes I act like I'm the only one with feelings. Like the people in my life are all robots and I can do or say anything I want and they won't change their response towards me. Umm, hello Stacy, that isn't how it works....

WORDS HURT! I should know this from experience as my heart has felt ripped out and put in a shredder by them time and time again. So why do I feel like I can say whatever I want? BECAUSE I DON'T UNDERSTAND CONSEQUENCE.

Again, DAMN IT!

So here I am an adult feeling like I have the maturity of a small child. Jesus said to have childlike faith but He also said I need to grow up and take on my responsibilities. So, Lord, this is my plea to you... HELP!

You teach us in Your Scriptures that we NEED discipline. I feel like I understand now that discipline is to show us consequence and help us understand the impact of our actions or inaction. Lord, I have so much to learn! When I reflect back on my childhood, discipline was not part of it. I never got disciplined. And when I say I didn't get disciplined I mean it. Never. Oh wait, one time in Kindergarten my mom grounded me for one afternoon. But she bought me The Little Mermaid to watch while I was grounded. Get my point...

Unfortunately, despite this revelation, there are consequences I must face from the way I've acted already in my life. Words I have already spoken. Actions that have already played out.

But now I am beginning to understand that what I do, what I say, and how I respond, DOES MATTER. Loving people IS hard. Being loved IS scary. I WILL hurt people, even still. The risk WON'T stop. And God WILL discipline me when necessary because CONSEQUENCE is REAL.

So I don't get to say or do whatever I want....

Hmm...like I said....so much to learn...

Hope

Day 0.

"A woman's heart should be so hidden in God, that a man must first seek Him to find her."

Brokenness is necessary to be molded into what You have in store. You have my heart, Lord. And You've given me much hope. And peace beyond my understanding.

Goodnight Jesus. Goodnight SB.

Stability in my Instability

Stability.

Definitions include (dictionary.com)

-firmness in position.

-continuance without change; permanence.

-resistance to change, esp. sudden change or deterioration

-steadfastness; constancy, as of character or purpose

To be stable means:

-able or likely to continue or last; firmly established; enduring or permanent

-resistant to sudden change or deterioration

-steadfast; not wavering or changeable, as in character or purpose; dependable

-not subject to emotional instability or illness; sane; mentally sound.

Hmmm...

I write this because my own stability, or lack there of, has been a constant discussion in my life. It just keeps popping up. Though, it is usually referenced by it's antonym of instability, even more so with the adjective of emotional prefacing it.

"Stacy, you are emotionally unstable."

"I'm worried about your emotional instability."

"Stace, your emotional instability makes you difficult to love."

I couldn't even begin to count how many times these words have been used to describe me. And honestly, to much degree, they are honest and true statements. I am not a very stable person. And this has almost always been viewed as negative, by others and myself.

In the world's dictionary stability is connected with strength. And I believe there are many ways in which stability does demonstrate great strength. Stability leads to dependability. It leads to standing firm for what someone believes. It can withstand storms, physical and emotional. It has a facet of logic, practicality.

These are reasons I desperately desire stability.

But look at the part where it says stability is unchanging. Defined as continuance without change.

And what happens when your stability is tied or identified with something that doesn't give life? That is hurtful? That needs to change?

I don't know if this is just me, but when I read the Gospels, stability doesn't seem to be the main focus. Jesus claims that things like love, mercy, forgiveness should be our focus. He asks crazy things of his disciples. Can you imagine someone telling you to walk on water? How about, "Hey, you just met me but drop everything this instance and follow me?" What? If that isn't sudden change I don't know what is. And I won't even start with the old testament...how many stories in the Bible require absolute trust in something completely unseen, intangible, and impossible?

I'm not trying to discredit stability. Like I said, I desire it in many areas of my life. I wish I didn't have to move every six months or year. I wish I felt secure in my job. I wish I didn't react when I'm in a storm of emotions. I wish I didn't have so many storms of emotion. I wish I were more dependable, less erratic. All these things are bread from my instability and can be very destructive in my relationships and my confidence in...well...everything. And I'm not trying to be blind to these faults.

The point I'm wondering is....does instability have to be all that bad? Can there be a sense of strength tied to the willingness to change? To grow? To be humble and know that I don't have it all figured out? To feel life intensely? Because let's be real, the only thing we can cling to in any true certainty is the consistency of Jesus Christ and the salvation His death and resurrection gave us.

Much of my emotional instability in my life comes from a lot of baggage collected through the years. The amazing thing for me though is that I've come to a place where Jesus has taken my yolk, invited me in, and we're sitting together sorting through all the bags. Each one is open and it's belongings are scattered across the floor and we are sifting through them. Jesus's goal is to rid me of all these belongings, He is trying to show me how they weigh me down and that they are unnecessary. Some things I'm willing to throw out. "Oh yea Jesus, get rid of that old thing." But other things I hesitate and argue with him, "Jesus, I use that all the time. How am I going to live without it? I don't know how to not have that in my life." Luckily, Jesus is patient to wait for me to realize that He has something to replace it with.

So in the process of uncovering my instability, I first believed Jesus would replace it with stability. I have since learned this is not the goal whatsoever.

The goal is to know Christ more deeply.

It is to make room for more compassion, more forgiveness, more joy, and more love. And the more abundantly I have these attributes, I believe, the more stability will resound in my life. And the areas that need stability, will have it, and the areas that need change, will receive it.

Because the reality is, we all have things that need to change and we all have things that need consistency. But I'm done seeking stability and I'm seeking Jesus.

I'm pretty sure I'm always going to be emotional. I'm always going to feel things on a level that many people don't understand. I'm always going to have a depth to my sadness and a height to my joys that, at times, seem too much for others. But I have to believe that God loves me just as I am. And as long as my bags are open and God is sorting through the wreckage, I'm going to figure it out. With God right by my side.

So whether it's stability or instability, I must seek change. Seek growth. Place identity completely in Christ and let Him reflect what is most important. At the end of the day, love and relationships are all I have and all that will follow me into eternity.

So me and my emotional instability are going to keep going. Keep living. Keep seeking. Keep changing.

What else can I really do?

Jesus said, "You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you to go and bear fruit--fruit that will last. Then the Father will give you whatever you ask in my name. This is my command: Love each other."

Love and make Jesus my stability. Then I will bear fruit that will last. Ready, go...

The Tracks...

Dear Life,

Wow, how you have changed since February! In the past 8 months I have a new job, moved twice, fallen in love, had surgery, found hope, lost the hope I found and then found it again, found more hope, fallen more in love, developed the best friends I thought I'd never have, and believed more deeply that I love a very, very good God.

It seems the train I used to just listen to...well...I boarded it and now I'm on quite the adventure. It's been the most challenging, joyful, heart-wrenching, happy, life changing months I've ever experienced. There have been many tears, much laughter, and growth to even the deepest parts of my heart.

So with all that being said, I'm back and I'm going to try and post a lot more. You see, I love to write. I LOVE IT. But for over a year now, I've had an intense writer's block. Words haven't quite flowed very well. And although the block is still very much in effect, I think the only hope in conquering it is to simply write. Whether it's good or bad or in between, I just have to get something down and maybe eventually it will feel worth reading. In the meantime, I'll just let the thoughts flow and see what happens. Kind of like this track of life I'm on...I just have to go for it because I don't want any regrets. Each day is full of potential and blessing and I'm no longer content just watching the trains pass by...I'm out on the tracks looking for my heart's desires and for heaven on earth...

For He came to give us life, life to the full....

The Heights and the Depths

 1 Peter 1:5-9

In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials.  These have come so that your faith -- of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire -- may be proved geniune and may result in praise, glory, and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.  Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls.  

Suffering.  Grief.  Pain.  What is it about pain that makes us yearn for our Savior?  For those of you that know me, you know I tend to have very high standards for myself.  I hurt very easily and I constantly tend to sabotage my own happiness for fear that I am unworthy.  Sometimes I feel like there is something deeply wrong with me, like I don't see the world as others do, like I'll always live under this dark cloud of sadness that I willingly chain myself to.  And when I'm in prayer I feel Jesus calling to me, telling me to remove the chains because they are no longer locked.  I'm just sitting attached to them because I don't know what it looks like to walk away.  I don't know what it looks like to stand on my own two feet and trust myself because the Lord dwells in me.  For my entire life I have told myself I am terrible.  Why would I trust something that is terrible?  The only answer is Jesus.  My only hope is Jesus.  It is because He lives in me that I can trust myself.  It is because of Him that I am worthy.  It is because of Him that the chains are unlocked and I can walk freely without fear.  

However, even with Him, my life has felt excruciating.  And the reality is that I live in a broken world, we all do.  We all have our own inequities, our own battles, our own warfare.  And then we have the warfare of mankind, the curse of our first parents, Adam and Eve.  But if you have ever been in the kind of despair that I am talking about, you know that there is something grasping at the core of it, a faint whisper that is speaking to you, telling you this is not the way you were intended to live.  We all hear it but the world has become so noisy and are minds so deluded that we choose to only hear the emptiness of lies.  The quiet truth that rests in our hearts goes unheard.  

But I promise you it is there.

I will be the first to admit that I don't hear it all the time.  I get so caught up in my own selfishness that I freely give into the lies and dwell in a sadness that perpetuates self destruction.  I continually return to my own despair because, honestly, sometimes it is easier than believing in something good, something faithful, something perfect.  

We are born into a sinful nature.  And those of us that try and die to it, well, it is a daily death that our natural worldly self opposes with all its strength.  And think of what is stronger, our flesh or spirit?  We know that whatever we feed will grow stronger, right?  What are we feeding?  When we look around it is obvious what this world is feeding....our flesh.  And because of that, our flesh is incredibly strong whether we want to believe it or not.  And so daily, we need to fight it, daily we need to surrender it and die to it.  We need to invite Jesus into our warfare because He is the only one that has overcome it.  And when He is in us, when we let Him in our weakness, He is strong and He is perfect.  He has already overcome the flesh, He has overcome death itself!  

And with His death and resurrection, we are given joy!  Freely through the grace of our righteous God.  And it is a kind of joy that transcends understanding.  A joy that penetrates in your heart regardless of the world trying to steal it, when your flesh tries to deny it, when your mind fights it.  Joy felt in moments of dark despair, when the only answer to the joy is that it is something bigger, something outside myself breathing it into me.  It is this joy that makes the pain an easier load to carry because it is in the pain and grief that the goodness of Jesus prevails, always.  Maybe not in a manner we would expect or rarely in the ways we desire, but it always prevails.  And from what I'm reflected thus far in my journey, His prevailing tends to be exactly what I need, at exactly the right time.    

The Train

I should be asleep right now but I heard the train.

Its so frigid in our house that I'm fully clothed from head to toe, wrapped in the sea of my down comforter, and still have a chill seeping in. The weather here is beyond unpredictable. And not only is it unpredictable but the temperature can take a 20 degree swing without warning. It seems that Summer crept away one night and now Winter is about to turn the corner before I was even able to accept that it was Fall.

I'm not ready for the cold. And now I am awake, restless, and cold. The train is streaming by outside my window. Normally I'm so used to the noise that I rarely notice it. Yet now my eyes resist the rest I so desperately want to give them and the train seems to be overwhelmingly loud. I instantly flood my mind with thoughts about anything and everything...What am I going to wear tomorrow? How am I going to make it through busy season? Am I ready for a relationship? Is Brayden going to be ok? Economy? Why am I not a better daughter? I need to travel soon. Why didn't I do that today? Should I just cut my hair? When will she email me back? I hate when that happens. I need to pay that bill. How am I going to change the world? Do I matter? Jesus, what am I doing with my life? Lord, save me from myself.

And after all these thoughts, the train is still going.... still chugging along outside my window.

Welcome to the clouded mind of Stacy. One of these nights I'm going to find the switch and turn down the thoughts. Hit my pillow and deeply rest.

But for now, I'll just think...and pray. Turn those questions into prayers and leave it to the only one that is in control in the first place:)

Busy, busy, busy

Time flies!

Did I really start my blog a month ago and have yet to post since? I swear months have become weeks and weeks merely days. As cliche as it may have been years ago, time really speeds up with age. My weeks are absolutely consumed, but in a good way!

My typical evenings during the week:

Monday: My girls. For those of you who don't know, I'm leading a Core Group (bible study) through the INN (UW College Ministry). I have 4 girls that are simply AMAZING and every monday we meet for a couple hours and talk about Jesus. Pretty sweet gig!

Tuesday: YL Committee, Community group, one on one's with my girls.

Wednesday: Basketball team. It feels so good to play again, and what a work out!

Thursday: Volleyball. I play with some of my best friends and its awesome!

Friday: hang out time!

Not too bad in the sense its all pretty fun stuff that I've willingly put on my plate. But it doesn't necessarily leave a lot of room for Blog time, esp since I'm on a computer all day and that seems to be the last thing I want to do when I get home from work! And I'm also trying to fit in some physical activity in all the madness so I don't go insane! (Oh how I wish I were a morning person and could work out in the mornings, any suggestions from you early birds!?!?)

I'm trying to squeeze in all the enjoyment I can before I burrow away for the winter months of long hours at work. I've been praying heavily regarding my mindset at work (definitely a Blog to come on this subject). I'm a little worried about the pressure and the stress of busy season. I can't believe this will be my fourth one! Its so challenging mentally (and physically, at least the lack there of) but trusting and having patience in the Lord is definitely where I'm trying to focus my thoughts (some days better than others). So if you feel inclined, keep me in your prayers. Job stuff seems to be a consuming subject in my heart lately.

Oh boy, there is so much more I would like to update but its 11:30pm! Sadly, thats late for me these days!

Stay tuned for more updates.

Love to all.